Honoring Ranger at the 2nd Anniversary of his Passing

The one thing that is to be expected about grief, is that it is unexpected in its arrival. I had not expected the 2 year anniversary season of Ranger's passing to arrive at a place of feeling low, almost depressed, and a grief rekindled that hovers consistently but seems attributable to nothing.

I have come to a sort of realization that maybe the anniversary time will always be some form of reconciliation for me. At the second year anniversary the reconciliation seems to consist of 1. The period of life that we lived physically together, 2. The year after his passing that was so filled with signs and extraordinary evidence of the after-life, 3. The second year after his passing that has been filled with so much purpose and calling, and 4. This current 'new normal' that has only the most subtle of signs and is filled with a lot of new things in my life. It is this last most recent phase that is difficult to navigate. I wonder where I go from here. I feel Ranger both immediately accessible and yet at an ever increasing distance. I've completed many of the projects I set out to do in his honor and wonder what the new projects will be as the years stretch out before me. I wonder if the rituals of walking with his spirit, writing to him and meditating have a place in my life going forward...I question all these things this anniversary.

I would like to honor Ranger in this article by talking about some of the things I did this year in his honor. I can only hope that the completion of these projects is not some end of the road, but will lead to an ever expanding circle of honoring and giving tribute to Ranger in the years to come, and continuing our connection together.

Self-publishing a book on my journey through pet loss.

When I started attending the PetLoss Partners grief group shortly after Ranger passed away, I never intended to write a book of my journey through my walk of loss. Each week, I wrote down things I heard in the group that helped me, that resonated with me and that helped me to heal. It wasn't until I had been in the group for over a year that I thought to write a reflection book of the loss themes I had traversed through accompanied by the quotes I had written down spoken by other people who had lost their pets and were deeply grieving.

This book is not for sale. But if I feel it would help someone who is also grieving, I offer to send them a copy. As I re-read this book from time time, I realize that is largely a book about grief, healing and community - and could speak to a lot of people navigating loss, not just those of us who have lost their beloved animal companions.

Co-organizing Horsepower Event, the first annual motorcycle charity run for the 13 Hands Equine Rescue

My horses have been the single biggest gift that Ranger gave me when he crossed over. Adopting my horses Hope and Savannah not only fulfilled a life-long dream of having my own horse, but it opened up a calling that I did not know existed before. Because of Savannah and Hope I started to really learn about horses and most specifically about rescue horses. Horses really need us - there are so many horses that are experiencing difficulty and abuse and most of the times we don't see it. There are the extreme cases of horses dying on the racetrack or the stories we read about the NY Central Park of carriage horses, like Ryder, just collapsing. But there are the many many quiet cases, where horses are used for their ability - and when they stop being useful and profitable to humans they go down a track of often being ruthlessly used and ultimately sold to the slaughterhouse.

Ranger definitely is showing me a calling to help with horses. I never expected this, I never expected that being the carer for Hope and Savannah would be such a continuously transformational experience. I know that this calling will continue to unfold, and I feel Ranger's spirit and presence come through my horses so many times.

Adopting Gunther

I really never thought I would be able to open my heart to another dog after Ranger passed away.

20 months after Ranger's passing, I drove 3600 miles from NY to Texas and back to adopt a rescue dog, named Gunther.

There was another failed attempt at adoption before this epic trip to meet and adopt Gunther. I had thought maybe of adopting a pitbull named Gwendolyn at Christmas that year, but as soon as I announced my intention I was beset with a heartache I cannot even describe. It was like someone had ripped my heart open again and all the grief I was feeling about Ranger just came pouring out again. I can only say I was incredibly grateful when I got the message from the rescue, DallasDOGRRR, that Gwendolyn would not be a good fit for my cats. At the same time I was looking into Gwendolyn I also saw Gunther on the rescue website. But as soon as Gwen fell through the rush of relief I felt let me know that I was in no way ready to pursue Gunther.

4 months later I saw that Gunther was still available for adoption on the DallasDOGRRR site. I couldn't imagine why he was still available. But I knew that he was waiting for me.

The whole drive down to Texas, I spoke with Ranger. I spent the night sleeping in my truck cab at a Pilot stop just like I did so many times with Ranger. And on the way back, I felt that Ranger was with Gunther and I.

Gunther knows about Ranger. I have one dog who is physically with me, and the other is here in spirit only.

Gunther is a very special boy, and I am incredible grateful for him coming into my life.

2 years.

That's a long time to be without someone you love. It seems incredulous to me that 2 years have actually passed. I know he's still around. But it's more difficult to reach Ranger now. It is like life has rushed in to fill the vacuum of where he once was. Our physical presence demands space in so many ways. There's the actual space we take up, but then there is also all the care and routines established and rooted in our physical beings. The only space that Ranger takes up now is the space that I consciously make for him.

I am grateful that a couple of ladybugs appeared on our home walls in the 2 days before his anniversary. And for the hummingbird that appeared and stayed right over my head as I was drinking my morning coffee on the day before his anniversary. Gone are the extravagant displays of bizarre acting birds, butterflies, insects and dragonflies - but these 2 signs from Ranger assured me that he is still very much with me.