Reconciliation
On August 2, 2021 it was 11 months since my darling Ranger passed away. Almost 1 year...
Some moments it seems inconceivable and unbelievable to me that I have lived almost an entire year without Ranger physically by my side. Sometimes I don't know how I got to this point, or how I have made it through, or managed to live each day. I remember on the very few occasions I was away from him for a few days due to a business trip or a solo motorcycle trip, the feeling of longing that would crescendo in me on about the second or third day away, and then the incredible quenching of that desire to be joined with him once again as I walked through the door of my home and Ranger greeted me with all the joy and love that ever filled this earth. I still have that physically longing in my body, the longing to throw my arms around him, to be reunited with him and kiss him and tell him that I love him. It never goes away this desire, but I have made a kind of peace with it.
I miss Ranger physically every day, but I also feel Ranger deeply with me almost all the time now. Ranger without his body feels larger and more immediate, and I feel him everywhere. The signs that colored most of my grief and spirit walk have largely gone away. I am no longer stalked and dive-bombed by cardinals on almost a daily basis, nor do butterflies or dragonflies pursue me doggedly, and the stinkbugs that lived in our RV for 10 months have gone away seemingly entirely. I feel like I know why this is too, Ranger no longer needs to send me these signs - I have come to a place where I know in the depths of my being now that reality is not what we think it to be, and that the soul continues on after the physical form has perished. Ranger is without physical form now, he is no longer embodied - but his soul, his spirit, his essence is still here. I talk to him in the morning, on our spirit walks and throughout the day, especially when I palpably feel his presence. I don't know how to accurately or fully put this experience of his spirit always with me into words, except that I know, I feel, I see, I perceive him with me always. Sometimes it is a deep gush of love I feel from him within my heart, sometimes I hear him guide me about something, sometimes I feel him in the wind or the song of a certain bird, sometimes I know that he is right beside me, or I feel/see him at a distance smiling at me and playing with all of his friends.
Over the last 11 months I have been in deep experience and research of 'extremely hidden phenomena' as quoted by the Dalai Lama. I have read the penetrating and dense 'Living in a Mindful Universe" by Dr. Eben Alexander, as well as countless other books and resources by lay people, scientists and mediums on NDEs, experiences with the other side, and experiences of the spirit world. I myself have experienced direct communication from Ranger's spirit over and over again through visitations, dreams, visions and signs, so I know that what these authors are writing about is true. I have deepened my intuitive practices with Christian meditational readings, becoming certified in Reiki level II, practicing yoga daily, practicing energy management tools and deepening my meditation practice. I am currently taking Danielle MacKinnon's Soul Level Communication course 101 and am having my senses, abilities and self trust opened up even more and more. I know that this spiritual journey I am now on is part of my calling, and that Ranger is continuing to guide me in this exploration from the other side.
Sometimes during the last month, I have also experienced a momentary feeling of panic or dread about his year anniversary approaching. I have spent some time with my pet loss counselor, Sandi, talking about my feelings about this anniversary and discussing with her how I wish to honor him and pay tribute to him on this day. It seems like my initial plans might not come to fruition, and I did experience some deep disappointment about that. I have new ideas on how to honor him and they include:
- Ordering an inscribed windchime memorial to be hung at Angel's Rest in Utah
- Donating funds to an animal rescue
- Sending out a link to the Ranger & Nicole's Walk blog to friends and associates who are involved in Ranger's life & purpose
- A very special tribute to Ranger and his ongoing love that I will write about here in another post once it has been accomplished
I wondered out loud with Sandi one session, 'why do I dread this day?' I realized through talking with her that I was seeing it as an ending. This anniversary date a constant reminder of the end of our adventure together in physical form, and a marker that seems to say that my experience together with Ranger is in the past now...
It was Sandi who said to me, "it's not an ending but a beginning". And I knew in that moment that this was the truth. My life has blossomed in some pretty incredulous ways lately, and around September this year I'm about to start on some new ventures that I never would have envisioned before. Out of the depths of my endless grief some new things seem to be blossoming in me and in my world. I have 3 birds now, Clutch, Sprocket and Abalone. I've never had a bird and I never thought to ever get a bird when Ranger was alive. But I always remember when I'm near them how Ranger was intrigued by birds and always watched them with curious and intent interest. I am also in the process of adopting a horse. I've loved horses since being a little girl, and it feels like I'm finally being granted a dream I've always longed for now that I'm in the process of adoption. I feel like Ranger is encouraging me to live this large life, with an open heart. We are also in the process of buying a house and a farm, I never would have seen this happening a year ago...
There are times, these days, where I do get so busy with all the new things coming into my life, that the thought of Ranger goes into the background for several hours at a time. And there are times when I do feel more disconnected from him as what's in front of me takes my time and attention. After a few days of not really connecting deeply with Ranger, something feels off in me, and I know what it is. Spending time in Ranger's presence is very important to me, and taking an hour or a few hours to meditate, and spend time with him fills me with a deep peace. I know that wherever I go in this physical life that I will continue our rituals of walking together and spending time together. Ranger is a part of all my going forward.
In one of our sessions, Sandi, mentioned that all that I'm experiencing at this point is part of a process of reconciliation. All that I have written about above is my experience of this reconciliation process. To me, reconciliation is the weaving together of all the threads of loss, new life, spirit, hope, heartache, purpose and continued mourning - and being ok with any one of those threads showing up in the day or in the moment. I am not 'over' my grief or loss, and I have moments of very deep sadness, heartache and crying still woven into the fabric of my new normal - but I do feel a sense of peace, purpose and healing that I did not know in the early days, weeks and months after Ranger passed. As a pet parent in my pet loss group said best, "My grief is not going to reach completion." This is true for me too, and I'm ok with that.
Ranger has not only transformed my life by coming into it, but also in his passing into the next world. I love you eternally, Ranger. Thank you for your paw continuing to be a part of everything that I do and experience.